Minding The Mosters
by b-blueberry
Summary: "You're going to leave all four of them here?" "Five." Said Bilbo, Thorin, Fíli and Kíli in unison. It was a mistake a lot of people made and they were always happy to correct them. "Yes, father. All five of them. They will be trusted into your care for the next few hours."


**Minding The Monsters**

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**Author's notes:** All mistakes are mine.

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It was supposed to a quiet and peaceful morning, but the moment his children woke up Bilbo quickly realized it was going to be a long and tiresome day. Christmas eve was just a few hours away and everyone was at home. Thráin, Frerin and Frodo had a few days off from school, not that they've been doing much in school, Freya has been at home with his for the past six weeks, and even Thorin decided to take another two weeks from work. Truth be told ever since Náin, their youngest, joined them Thorin spent less and less time at work and stayed at home. That didn't mean he didn't go to work, of course he did, but Bilbo quickly noticed that his husband escaped to his office when he needed a few hours of peace. Which has been really hard to find for the last few weeks.

"Papa!" Frerin came running into the kitchen and tried to hide behind him, Thráin following close behind with a plastic sword in his hand. "Thráin hit me!"

"Not true," quickly argued eleven-year-old. "You started it! You broke my truck!"

"Only because you destroyed my house!"

"But you could built it again! I didn't broke it forever! You could build it again!"

"Daddy and I were working on it for days!"

"So?"

"You and your stupid truck!"

"Okay, that's enough!" Bilbo raised his voice before Thráin could open his mouth again.

"But he hit me-"

"I said, enough!" repeated Bilbo sternly.

"Not fair," mumbled Frerin.

"A lot of things in life aren't fair, better get used to it." He turned to Thráin, "what did we say about hitting your brother?"

"But he-"

"What did we say?"

"Not to do it," mumbled Thráin.

Thráin knew what was expected from him to do, but he continued to stay quiet while all eyes on the room were on him. "I'm waiting, Thráin, and I don't have all day."

Thráin rolled his eyes before muttering, "I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

Frerin was about to leave but Bilbo caught his hand and held him back. "Don't you have something to say to your brother?"

Frerin looked Bilbo in the eyes for a moment before he looked at Thráin. "I'm sorry for breaking you truck."

Thráin continued to pout, ignoring the fact that Frerin just apologized to him. He was upset that his favorite toy was now broken, so Bilbo knelt in front of him and lifted his chin and forced him to look him in the eyes. "I'll call Bofur and we'll see if we can get it fixed, alright?"

Thráin sniffled. "When can you call him?"

"I'll call him later today, I promise."

Thráin nodded in agreement and then left, allowing Bilbo to continue preparations for dinner. They had guests and Bilbo was determined to show his best and not show anyone how tired he was. Holidays were supposed to be all about relaxing and spending time with your family - not that Bilbo wasn't spending time with them - but he was really tired. So tired, that he even considered calling his mother to come and help him. But no! He wasn't going to do that. He loved his mother very much, but this was his house, his children, his husband, his kitchen and most importantly his rules! And he wasn't going to allow her to boss him around like she usually does. Christmas dinner should be more than enough time spent together.

"You look tired, uncle Bilbo," commented Kíli from where he was sitting at the table, eating his breakfast.

"Really? What makes you think that?" snapped Bilbo at him, angrily than he meant to.

"Oh I don't know," said Kíli dryly.

"Look, if you've come here to play smart, you can leave. I have enough of my own kids to take care of, and I really don't need you here to tell me what to do."

Kíli dropped the spoon, stood up and left the kitchen without saying another word.

Bilbo let out a sigh. "Kíli, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Papa!"

_Great,_ thought Bilbo as Freya came running into the kitchen. Just what he needed.

"Do we have balloons?" the five-year-old asked.

"What- I don't think so, sweetheart." Bilbo tried to be nice with her, since it wasn't here fault that he was in a bad mood. Neither was Kíli, but… "Why do you need them?"

Freya just shrugged.

"Is daddy still on the phone?" asked Bilbo and Freya shrugged again.

"Don't know." She stared at him for a moment. "Can you check if there are any balloons in my room?"

"Freya, I'm busy."

"I'll ask Fíli!"

"Freya no!" Bilbo's call stopped her from running away from him. "You won't ask Fíli for help."

"Why not?" she whined.

"Firstly, because Fíli is still sleeping, and secondly because I spent an entire morning putting all your toys away. I would be grateful if you would leave it like that."

"But what if I want to play with my dolls?"

"We talked about it. You chose a few toy to play with and the others were put away for a few hours." _Just until my mother leaves. I don't want to hear from her that our house is a disaster._

"Not fair!" she protested before running out of the kitchen.

Thorin moved out of her way in the last moment before she would run into him. "Slow down, Speed Racer," he called after her, but Freya completely ignored him. Which was odd.

He joined Bilbo in the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water while observing his husband unleashing his anger on poor vegetables. "Freya looked upset," Thorin said carefully. "So did Kíli. Will you be this hostile toward anyone who will try talking to you?"

Thorin knew he was pushing, but he did not expect to see Bilbo stab the knife in the cutting board before turning to him. "I don't know, Thorin. You tell me," said Bilbo with his arms crossed over his chest.

"What I don't understand is what has got you so on the edge. It's Christmas, everyone's at home and we're having guests over for dinner. You should just relax."

"Relax?" snorted Bilbo. "Yeah, you can relax, some of us have work to do."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, if you haven't noticed, that our house is a disaster. There's a pile of laundry upstairs, the living room is a mess and there's popcorn everywhere. Boys' room needs to be cleaned, I have a lunch and dinner to prepare and I have a month and a half old baby upstairs that needs feeding and changing every couple of hours. I do all this work while you talk on the phone for hours!"

"All this because your parents are coming to visit?"

"This has nothing to do with my parents!"

"You never bother about how our house looks like unless your mother is coming over," challenged Thorin.

"It's not just my mother, it's everyone."

"No one cares if our house is a mess."

"I do!"

Thorin was about to say something back when they both heard Frerin call: "Grandma!"

_Oh no,_ thought Bilbo. _This cannot be happening. _They were so busy arguing with each other they didn't even hear the doorbell. Luckily it was Fíli, who was now awake, that opened the door. Thorin and Bilbo exchanged a look of horror before the both hurried to the doors.

"Mum, dad," Bilbo greeted when he saw his mother with Frerin in her arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Father," greeted Thorin when his father entered the house, his wife following close behind.

"Is that how you greet your mother?" scolded Bella and Bilbo rolled his eyes before greeting her properly with a kiss on the cheek and giving a hug to his dad.

"What so funny, young man?" asked Thráin when Frerin giggled.

"Because daddy called you daddy and you are very old, that's why you're his daddy."

"And you still lack manners," answered Thráin calmly earning a playful slap from his wife. Thorin took his answer as an opportunity to take his son from Bella's arms and sent him upstairs to call the others.

"I'm not too late, am I?" asked Bella.

"Late for what? You weren't supposed to be here until six." _Seven, if I was lucky,_ Bilbo added in his head.

"I thought it would be nice to spend a few days together, like a family. And I will help you cook, that way we'll get things done much quicker," she smiled.

"We both will," smiled Fris.

Thorin thought this was an amazing idea, but he knew Bilbo well enough to know that he thought differently.

"There's no need," answered Bilbo calmly. "I- I mean we," he quickly corrected himself, "have everything under control."

"All flights are booked so we'll be staying here for a couple of days," said Bella back and offered Thorin a smile. "I know you could use a hand to clean this mess a little-"

"We like the mess," interrupted her Bilbo rudely.

"-and I haven't seen my grandson yet."

"You saw him when he was born," argued Bilbo. "And we sent pictures."

"And I need to spoil them a little."

"They are already spoiled," snapped Bilbo at her. "And we really have everything and everyone under control," he added when his mother started to take off her gloves, scarf and coat soon followed.

"Grandma! Grandpa!" called Freya as she came running toward them with Frodo right behind her. "We found balloons!"

Thorin looked at her for a moment, not really paying attention to what his daughter was holding in her hands, before looking back at his mother who smiled at the little princess. Even his father cracked a smiled.

"Look! We found balloons! Papa said we don't have them, but we do," she quickly explained. "And they smell funny!"

Bilbo's eyes widened in horror when he finally realized what Freya and Frodo were holding.

"Those aren't balloons!" Fíli almost laughed when he realized what the children had done.

"Freya!" said Bilbo angrily before he took the opened condoms and the rest of the wrappers from her hands. "What did I tell you about opening the drawers in our room? Off limits, for both of you," he said and looked sternly at Frodo.

"Sorry," the both mumbled.

Bilbo looked back to his mother who was still smiling, like nothing happened. "Everything's under control," she said and Bilbo fought the urge to roll his eyes before he took Freya and Frodo upstairs to wash their hands.

Thorin turned from his husband to his mother -in-law. She took a step closer and cupped his cheek in her hand. "Our bags are waiting in the car outside. Be a dear and bring them inside. But bring the groceries in first. We," she smiled at Fris, "need to start cooking if we want to have dinner tonight."

She offered him one last smile before disappearing into the kitchen, Fíli following close behind, knowing that she'll make him a delicious breakfast.

"Be a dear and bring in our bags as well," smiled Fris and followed Belladonna into the kitchen.

Thorin sighed before looking back to his father, waiting for his look of disapproval.

"We're going to need a lot of scotch if we want to survive this," was all the he said before following the women to the kitchen.

:::

Thorin found Bilbo in their bedroom with Náin in his arms, smiling fondly at him. "I put your mother's bags in the guest room." Bilbo ignored him. Maybe he didn't hear him, or he didn't want to. "My father already asked for the bottle of scotch, so this should be interesting." When Bilbo once again ignored him he walked over and took the baby away from him.

"Hey, give him back," he protested, but Thorin ignored him and put the baby in the crib.

"We need to talk," Thorin declared. Bilbo wanted to protest but Thorin took his hand led him to the bed and pulled him down to sit next to him.

"There's nothing to talk about," protested Bilbo.

"Your parents are downstairs with my parents and our children. If we're going to war I thought it would be best if we're ready."

Bilbo smiled and allowed Thorin to pull him closer. "Yeah, what do you have in mind?"

"We can go downstairs, listen to our mothers make comments about the piles of dirty laundry, scattered toys, chocolate stains on the couch and criticize everything we do and how we raise our children. And then we can suffer through never ending remarks about using protection when we're having sex from my father, all his comments about our children lacking manners and hear about every mistake we apparently did when we raised them."

"Or?" asked Bilbo playfully.

"Or we can leave our children to take care of it. If our parents are so smart to comment on everything we do I'm sure they'll be able to control our monsters for a few hours while you and I spend some quality time together."

Bilbo liked that idea very much, but there was just one problem. "I can't just leave Náin here."

"There's enough formula in the fridge. He won't be hungry for a few hours and when he is, your mother can feed him. Nothing will happen to him," assured him Thorin.

:::

They came downstairs fifteen minutes later, wearing their coats, ready to go out. Thorin locked the liquor cabinet and pocketed the key before following Bilbo to the kitchen, who brought baby monitor downstairs in case Náin cried.

"Going somewhere?" Bella asked as she moved in the kitchen like a professional chef.

"We're going out for a few hours," answered Bilbo.

"We figured you don't need us here so will be back for dinner," added Thorin.

"So you're just going to leave those monsters here?" asked Thráin and Bilbo wanted to snap at him that his children weren't monsters, but today he badly wanted them to be.

"They are just children," he said calmly.

"You're going to leave all four of them here?"

"Five." Said Bilbo, Thorin, Fíli and Kíli in unison. It was a mistake a lot of people made and they were always happy to correct them.

"Yes, father. All _five _of them. They will be trusted into your care for the next few hours."

Thráin thought about it for a moment. "Good. Excellent," Thráin murmured. "It's a perfect opportunity to teach them a thing or two."

Bilbo winced at the thought.

"Fíli and Kíli will stay here and help. If needed," added Thorin.

Thráin turned to look at them. "Why are you two staying here anyway?"

"Mum had some last minute plans with uncle Frerin," explained Fíli.

"They said they will be home before dinner," added Kíli. "We came here so we don't have to cook or clean. Uncle Bilbo does everything."

_Lucky me, _thought Bilbo, before he apologized to Kíli for snapping at him earlier.

"Boys! Freya!" called Thorin. In a matter of minutes they were all gathered at the door.

"Are you leaving?" asked Frodo.

"We're going out for a few hours," said Bilbo as he crouched in front of him a put a stray of curls behind his ear. Frodo could be easily mistaken for one for their children. He looked so much like Thorin.

"When are you coming back?"

"Before dinner."

"I need you all to be on your best behavior, am I understood?" Bilbo asked and everyone nodded. "I mean it. Just because we aren't here that doesn't mean you can do whatever you want." They all promised to be on their best before hugging and kissing Thorin and Bilbo in goodbye.

"You sure this is a good idea," Bilbo asked when Thorin closed the doors behind them.

"It's the best idea," assured him Thorin, took his hand and led him away from the house.

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**Author's notes:**

Good news! I am alive!

Just got back into writing. I still suck, but I still enjoy it.

I may need a little encouragement to finish this one. So many ideas so little time to write.

See you at the next chapter.


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